Cripple Problems

It’s Disability Pride Month Again!

~ shawnaborman ~ Leave a comment

Howdy, howdy! How’s everyone doing this lovely Wednesday? Things here are okay, I guess. We had a nice little BBQ with the Minion, his wifey, the family, and the new neighbors across the street on Saturday. Other than that, things keep going wrong for Dad and I’m dealing with government bullsheet surrounding my benefits. Because of that, I forgot July is Disability Pride Month. I’m not feeling very pride-y. Every time I finally feel like my benefits are settled and I’m coasting along, the government decides to “improve” something that screws everything up. And it doesn’t help that I have to fight for everything I need. I’m dreading the upcoming election. If Cheeto gets in and that Project 2025 gains traction, everyone is going to be screwed except maybe super rich white folks. So, even though I’m not a fan, fingers crossed for Biden and the status quo! But I’m starting to ramble. This is your yearly reminder that Disability Pride Month exists. Disabled people are worthy of all the same things “able” people are. We are not burdens or drains on society or dirty little secrets. We are human beings. And, according to WHO, approximately 1 in 6 people are significantly disabled and that number is rising. Yay for fun facts!

Anyway, I decided to share an explanation of the Disability Pride flag. I might have done this before, but I’m too lazy to check my previous post.

Ann Magill’s original idea contained bold colors and a zigzag design, but after complaints from individuals with sensory issues (the design triggered migraines and created a strobing effect when scrolling), she revamped the idea with straight lines and muted colors that were grouped differently to avoid the negative effects. Here are some of the meanings behind the flag:

Black: The black background symbolizes the mourning of disabled people who have been victimized by ableism or lost to disability-fueled violence, abuse/negligence, and death.

Diagonal stripes: The stripes cut through the darkness (i.e., barriers).

Multi-colored: The disability pride flag includes all six standard international flag colors to indicate that the disability is a global thing.

Green: Sensory disabilities (blindness, deafness, lack of smell, lack of taste, etc.).

Blue: Psychiatric disabilities (anxiety, depression, etc.).

White: Invisible disabilities and/or undiagnosed conditions.

Gold: Cognitive and intellectual disabilities. Neurodivergence.

Red: Physical disabilities.

Never Mind

~ shawnaborman ~ Leave a comment

Howdy, howdy! How’s everyone doing this first Wednesday of July? I’m annoyed as feck for two reasons. One I won’t talk about yet, because it’s an ongoing thing and I don’t want anyone involved to stumble upon a rant about it. Yet. The other thing is Medicaid bullshit, but it’s late (after 10pm because we also had visitors), so I’m not even going to write the rant I was planning. I’ve spent far too much time on the phone the last few days because no one knows anything. Tomorrow (today), will be another wasted day. So, I’m going to go eat and spend the next hour or so watching TV.

Soggy Days and Reading

~ shawnaborman ~ Leave a comment

Howdy, howdy! How’s everyone doing this wonderful Wednesday? I feel like I’ve been complaining a lot this year, which means I have been. I’m sorry. It just seems like one of those years where everything goes wrong. The government is annoying. Stuff isn’t getting done in a timely manner. The weather is insane. It’s June. We’re not supposed to be having flash flood warnings every day. We’re supposed to be staring triple digits in the face and wondering what the people complaining about the heat are going to do when summer gets here. The ground is saturated and the lakes are full. The rain can stop now. But we have been extremely lucky so far. I won’t say how because that will jinx it, but yes. Very lucky in general. So, I’m going to try to stop complaining and ramble about good things. I’ve finished reading 17 books this year, so I thought I would share some of the better ones with you.

1. White Trash Warlock by David R. Slayton. I was a little skeptical at first because my minion recommended it and he’s weird. But it’s gay urban fantasy with a tentacle monster, so I had to see for myself. I know what you’re thinking. “I’ve seen enough hentai to know where this is going!” Alas, no. But! It’s a fun read and I just bought the other two books in the series.

2. The Last Unicorn by Peter S. Beagle. I read this one for one of those Kindle challenges. It was honestly kind of a weird read. A lot of the prose was lyrical and beautiful, but much of it was stark and blunt. It was kind of jarring, but I liked it. It fit the story.

3. Otherworldly by F.T. Lukens. It’s fun and fluffy. I don’t remember much beyond that. It was super enjoyable while I was reading it, though.

What books have you enjoyed this year? As always, feel free to leave your thoughts or questions or comments here or on my social media pages!

A Little Rant

~ shawnaborman ~ Leave a comment

Howdy, howdy! How’s everyone doing this lovely Wednesday? Not a lot going on here. Just stupid government crap regarding my benefits. I can’t entirely blame the government for all my stress this time, because everything up until today was something else entirely and the people involved already know I’m not happy about how everything went down. Let’s just say stuff hasn’t been getting done in a timely manner. But today (Tuesday), I’ve spent far too much time trying to justify needing another hour of care every day. And I get it. The government doesn’t want to give just anyone benefits. They’re like giant companies that way. “You want healthcare and to be able to afford rent and food??? Damn commies.” But also, look at me. It’s pretty freaking obvious that I need care. I promise I’m not just a mooch. If they’d let me earn more than $1900 and change a month without screeching about taking my Medicaid away, I’d even try to be a productive member of society. But no. They don’t allow you to get to a stable place before they rip away the benefits that keep you alive. Just stay poor. Ugh. But that’s a different rant. Let’s get back on track.

I’m on a program called CLASS. They offer various services, but I only use the healthcare assistance service where they pay (actually Medicaid pays) for someone to take care of me. When I first got on the program at 18 after a ten year waitlist (yeah, no one even remembered signing up when we got the letter saying I was cripple enough for them), they only paid for outside help to come in. Eventually, they started paying family members, so Dad gets paid to take care of me. With all the prices on the rise and the fact that home healthcare works hadn’t gotten a raise in a ridiculous amount of time (because, you know, the Texas government), Dad requested an extra hour a day (no, he doesn’t get paid 24-hours a day because apparently the government thinks cripples are robots who just power down and require no assistance for far too many hours a day/night… as if normal human beings don’t have to pee or worse during sleep time, so cripples certainly don’t). But he’s up to 14 hours a day and the government is balking at a 15th hour. They’re forcing us to justify the request instead of just looking at my file and seeing my diagnosis (an incurable disorder that gets worse over time) and the fact that I have never asked for anything I don’t need and realizing that yeah, she needs help. It doesn’t help that they don’t reach out to me directly. There’s a middleperson. Things get lost in translation.

Anyway, it’s almost 8:00 and I’m getting hungry, so I’m going to stop ranting. But anyone who says cripples don’t work for their benefits and just get handouts have never had to deal with the government (state or federal). Fighting for shit I need is an entire job in itself. They should be paying me, but then they’d probably kick me off everything anyway. Blargh.

Typing Is Annoying

~ shawnaborman ~ Leave a comment

Hello, hello! How’s everyone doing this lovely Wednesday? Things here are okay. I’ve been procrastinating like usual, despite having an outline and basically knowing how the first couple of chapters should go. I blame Dad and TV, but I just can’t find the motivation to actually write. I don’t know why. So, I’m procrastinating even more by trying to find a faster way to type. I use the onscreen keyboard with the cursor, which is great, but slow compared to how I used to type. Anyway, I don’t type anymore because the laptop keyboards sit too far back for me to reach. I don’t know if I lost some range of motion or if touchpads got bigger or what, but I haven’t been able to actually type since two computers ago. So, I’ve been looking for alternatives to the onscreen keyboard. Fun, no? No.

I figured since I couldn’t reach the keyboard, I’d try getting a cheap plugin one that I can pull right up to me or into my lap to see if that would help. It’s the one pictured above. A Snpurdiri 60% wired keyboard. I got it on sale for less than $20, so I won’t feel too bad if it doesn’t work for me. It comes in different colors and it’s backlit, so that’s neat. The keys are easy to press and it’s small enough that I can pull it to me and into my lap, then get it back onto my computer and push it out of the way. But it’s too tall for me to use at the moment. I’ll try again when Dad’s not busy. Maybe a towel or something to prop my arm on will help. But it’s cheap and cute enough. If it works, huzzah! It’ll give me a better idea of what I actually need in a decent one when it dies. If not, meh. I’ll try something else.

The other option I’m considering is dictation. I tried Dragon Naturally Speaking when it first became a thing (yes, I’m old), but it was horrid and turned me off of that kind of program before I even started hating my voice. But Windows actually comes with dictation software now (it’s under the ease of access settings) and my camera has a microphone, so I don’t have to buy anything just to try it. However, I don’t like this option. Talking is not my favorite thing. People can’t hear me. I’ve been accused of mumbling. I’ve been told I have a slur (which I don’t believe I do, so wtf?). I use a ventilator, so I usually have a tube in my mouth. Even when I remove it to speak, I still have to repeat myself all the time. And I speak softly, which seems to create more issues. Talking is just not something I enjoy. At all. Plus, I run out of breath easily. So, this would be my last ditch effort to speed up the word flow and strictly used when writing.

I’m sure if I looked harder for adaptive typing aids, I could find other things to try, but I won’t. I’m not really that worried about it. Sure, I hate taking an hour and 45 minutes to type 1,000 words with the onscreen keyboard, but I’ll keep doing it. It’s not really a big deal in the grand scheme of things. I’m just procrastinating and I know it. At least I’m being semi-productive about it.

Do you use any special typing equipment? What about dictation software? As always, feel free to leave your thoughts or comments or questions here or on my social media pages!

Gotta Get Outta This Place

~ shawnaborman ~ 2 Comments

Howdy, howdy! How’s everyone today? As I’m typing this (Tuesday afternoon/evening), it’s kind of dreary and the sky spit on us for the first time in a while today. Not much, but at least the ground got wet. Anyway, it’s time for another ‘get to know me’ answer post. This week, we have the number 33 for the lovely Alena. I’ve already done 47 (you can find the list of prompts in that post), 13, and 43. I still have 11 and 27 to go. Feel free to pick another prompt or number between 1 and 50 and I’ll add it to the list. Today’s prompt is “which country do you wish to travel to?”.

Not really.

When I was younger, this would’ve been an easy question. Japan. It’s always been the place I wanted to go to the most in the world. I mentioned I was a weeb in the last post, so this should come as no surprise. Aside from anime and manga, I love the music and the food looks amazing and I’m interested in the culture and all of it. So, of course I want to go there. It’s still in my top three places to go, but slow boats are expensive and I have to worry about accessibility and finding places that meet my needs and all of that crap, so travel in general is difficult. Plus, as I’ve grown, I’ve realized there are so many other places I want to go to as well.

Like England or Ireland or Scotland. All three if we ever actually made it that far. Plus other places. Go big before we go home. We watch far too many British cozies and occasionally find Irish and Scottish shows as well, so they’ve piqued our interests. Mostly the ones with the really nice scenery. Plus, I’ve seen the giant butt plug shaped building in London enough on TV that I kind of want to see it in real life. I don’t understand some of the architectural decisions over there. They had to have seen it in the design phase. Someone had to have pointed it out. But it would be nice to explore the more scenic parts of these places.

It’s called the Gherkin, but it’s obvious what it is.

Australia would be fun too. It seems like a gorgeous place and has amazing animals (flying foxes and wombats!). I guess I don’t really need an excuse to want to go places. Just a desire to go. Australia is one of those places. No idea why I want to go. It just seems like a good idea.

But, like I said, traveling is hard. I can’t fly. Technically, I suppose I’d have to talk to my pulmonologist now that I’m on the vent, but I was told a long time ago not to do it. Even if my lungs could handle it though, I still can’t because in order for cripples to fly, they have to transfer you out of your wheelchair and put it in with the cargo. That’s a big nope. And the horror stories about broken wheelchairs at the other end of flights… no, thanks. So, flying is out. Maybe one day I’ll be rich enough to afford a cruise somewhere nice, but for now, I’ll just dream about it.

Wombat! Look at it! It poops cubes.

Plus, there’s a plague, so I’m not leaving the house anyway. As always, feel free to leave your thoughts or questions here or on my social media page! See you next week for more randomness.

On All-Nighters

~ shawnaborman ~ Leave a comment

Howdy, howdy! How’s everyone doing? It’s currently 6:30 in the morning on Tuesday and I’ve been up all night. Why? So I can answer the phone in a couple of hours and talk to the Social Security Administration about that thing we’ve been trying to work out since July. Why not just get up at 8:30 like a normal person? Because cripples don’t have that luxury. At least I don’t. Both the getting into and out of bed processes take like two hours each (and Dad has to go to bed after he gets me in bed/get up before me), so it’s just easier to stay up when it’s just an anomaly (we never schedule morning appointments, but the government doesn’t listen when you request afternoon ones). Anyway, I used to LOVE staying up all night, especially when I could sleep all day. But now I’m old and this shit is boring.

When I was in my late teens and early twenties, staying up all night was basically a sanctuary. It was the easiest way to spend as little time with my mom as possible. She’d sleep until three or four in the morning, get up and put me in bed, do whatever she did during the morning, then get me up around two or three. It didn’t keep us from fighting all the time, but it helped a little. It also caused some arguments with Dad because he didn’t like me staying up all night (sorry). But those quiet hours between about midnight and three were the absolute best. I miss them a lot sometimes.

But that was back in the days of Yahoo chats and when fansubs (both anime and manga) were spewed all over the Interwebz. Entertaining myself was easy. Finding people to hang out with and be weird with was simple. And being productive (doing school stuff) came naturally during those hours. It was peaceful and wonderful and I’m probably forgetting how boring it actually was, but I’m allowed to romanticize things once in a while.

Now, it’s generally unnecessary (I have no one to avoid anymore) and boring as hell. Tonight, I finished the third Simon and Baz book, read four chapters in this month’s review book, wrote this post because if I waited until this afternoon the entire post would be ZZZ…, and spent far too much time prepping for this upcoming appointment that should really be quite easy (but it’s the government, so I’ve just learned to prepare for hassles). Productivity achieved. But I no longer have friends in distant time zones to be weird with at ungodly hours. I did pester my friend who’s in Germany, but only for a few minutes. Otherwise, I scrolled through Facebook, checked my email like fifty times, and ordered a shirt I really don’t need. It’s just not worth the sleep deprivation anymore.

That’s enough rambling. I’m going to go play some mindless games until closer to the appointment time, then I’ll switch to obsessively checking my phone which is right in front of me with a decent charge and good reception. But I’ll still be in panic mode until the call is over. Enough about me, what about you? Are you a fan of all-nighters? As always, feel free to leave your thoughts here or on my social media pages!

End of Year Rant

~ shawnaborman ~ Leave a comment

Hello, hello! How’s everyone doing? Are you ready for the coming year? Things here are annoying, so I thought I would vent a little. It’s nothing super important or life and death or anything. It’s just irksome. The government is involved, so of course everything is taking way longer than it should and it’s all a giant hassle when it should be easy peasy. They’ve had years to streamline the process, but they have not. Just like with everything else they’re involved in. Things shouldn’t be this complicated. But anyway…

Some backstory. Dad started collecting social security this year. Well, according to a lawyer we went to when we made our wills (he specializes in cripple stuff), since I’m cripple, I should’ve been eligible to receive some benefits when Dad started collecting. We knew this, but we didn’t know what all we would have to do when the time came. So, when the SSA said we needed to complete a form for me to receive the benefits, we searched high and low on the website for it, but couldn’t find anything. Ugh. We called on July 23rd to find out what to do. Long story short, I would need to set up a phone meeting and answer some questions (no mention of a form), but there were no appointments available at that time. They would be in touch.

Fast forward to October when Dad starts receiving his benefits. We still haven’t heard anything about my appointment, though we have been calling at least once a month to make sure no one has forgotten. The nice SSA people all assured me it was just a matter of waiting, but that I won’t be penalized because they know I’ve been in touch and trying my best to move things along. The waiting game continues until Dad gets a super weird letter and calls them again himself in November. The lady he talks to thinks the wait is ridiculous as well and puts him in touch with a woman who sends our issue up to her bosses.

Are we, though?

At this point, Thanksgiving is upon us along with the rest of the holidays. More waiting. Then, yesterday I get an email from an ssa.gov email address that contains the correct national phone number to call back, so I open it. My appointment has been scheduled! For February… at like 9 in the morning despite my requests for an afternoon appointment. Whatever. I will make it work. And I will call today to confirm that the appointment is legit, that they have my correct contact info, and who I should call in the event that no one calls me.

Again…

But seriously. Why has it taken over six months just for an appointment? And there’s no guarantee that the appointment will be the end of this process. It probably won’t be, because at that point, they’re probably going to give me trouble about keeping my Medicaid, which will start another cycle of drama. I’m dreading that one even more than this whole mess. Why do they make everything so complicated? Ugh. Wish us luck. I’ll be back next week with my regularly scheduled book review. As always, feel free to share your thoughts and stories here or on my social media pages!

Tricking Myself into Writing

~ shawnaborman ~ Leave a comment

Hello, hello! How is everyone doing today? It’s a gloomy Monday as I’m writing this and I don’t really feel like doing much of anything. So, I decided it’s as good a day as any to write my post for the week. The problem? I have nothing to ramble about. I should probably be working on an actual story or writing my May book review post or something, but I don’t want to. I can do that stuff tomorrow. But I am slowly starting to write again, thanks to the new computer. I guess I can ramble about that. It’s one of those weird cripple things, so be prepared to give me your best “huh?” look.

Yeah, that look.

When I first started using a laptop (actually, any computer), my typing options were to either figure out how to make the keyboard work for me or use Dragon Naturally Speaking (a dictation program). I tried the latter and it was horrible. No matter how much I trained it, at least every other word was wrong. It was more trouble editing stuff than it was worth. So, I decided to use a backscratcher in my right hand and my left index finger to make the hunt-and-peck method of typing work for me. And I was good at it too. Fast enough to keep up with multiple Yahoo chat conversations in a timely manner at least. And accurate enough that I rarely had to fix any typos. It was less hunting/pecking and more just my own form of two “finger” typing. But all good things must end.

After I went through a few different wheelchairs and just as many computers, I eventually reached a point where typing became more difficult than it was worth. Basically, each new chair changed the positions of my hands, the ease with which I could reposition my arms, etc. and each new computer positioned its keyboard and touchpad slightly differently until it all combined to screw with my typing (slowed it down and made the position I had to maintain uncomfortable) enough that I looked for alternatives. By that time, Microsoft had started getting into accessibility features and had added an on-screen keyboard. I’m certainly not as fast with it as I was at typing, but it works well enough. It got me through Stonecoast and has helped me write the majority of the stuff I’ve written since then, so I can’t complain.

Don’t feel bad. Losing stuff like the ability to type is a normal cripple thing.

When this computer arrived, I decided to try typing again. The keyboard is just too pretty not to touch. So, a couple of weeks ago, I started trying to type for 30 minutes at a time. The range of motion in my left arm is absolute shit, which is to be expected. I can’t even reach the E, R, and G keys enough to press them anymore. The number keys (I used to be able to press 1-4 with my left hand) are completely out of reach. And I have to nudge my hand with my backscratcher in order to reach the Q and W. But for some reason, I have a better reach with my backscratcher than I used to, so it compensates a bit for the lack of use in my left hand. Hopefully, with practice, I’ll at least get back enough range of motion for E, R, and G.

Don’t get too excited. I’ve only done this 5 times so far. It’s annoying getting my hands into position, but that should get easier over time. My muscles tire out well before the 30 minutes are up, but I push through and it’s already getting better. I started at 75 words in 30 minutes and have increased each time (reached 245 words when I did it today). I can do 350ish words in a half hour with the on-screen keyboard, so if I can break that, I’ll definitely keep it up. Hopefully, my arms and hands will keep cooperating with me. I don’t fully trust them yet.

Idle Hands. They have a mind of their own. Am I the only one who remembers this stupid movie?

Anyway, in order to practice typing, I needed something to write, so I started a short story. It’s already 1,500 words long because it starts out as typing practice, then I’m in a groove, so I write a little more with the on-screen keyboard. But yeah. All this post is meant to say is that I found a way to trick myself into writing even though I have no motivation. Wootwoot!

What about you? Do you have any weird ways you trick yourself into being productive? As always, feel free to share your thoughts and comments and questions here or on my social media pages!

Push Through The Pain… Or Don’t

~ shawnaborman ~ Leave a comment

Hello, hello!  For the past couple of weeks, I’ve been having some issues with pain brought about by adjusting my seat cushion.  Needless to say, it’s been interfering with my writing.  For three days, it was so bad that I didn’t do anything productive.  Since then, I’ve been able to focus on doing most of the stuff I needed to do.  But I wanted to take today to talk about pain and when to suck it up vs. when to take a break because of it.

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I try.  Sometimes, I fail.

When you’re cripple, pain is pretty much a guarantee.  Every doctor I visit inevitably asks if I’m in any pain, and my go-to response is “no more than usual.”  It’s a given that my neck/left shoulder always hurt, along with my back and hips.  It’s more a matter of how bad I’m hurting.  Low-level (about a three) aches that randomly spike to about a seven on a scale of one to ten are my norm.  Those are the pains I’m used to, and yes, you eventually get used to hurting.  They’re the pains that I can ignore and go about my day with.

But what about the days those random spikes linger?  What about the days when the pain is so different (not necessarily bad, just unusual) that it distracts me from the things I need to focus on?  Honestly, most of the time, I pop some Aspirin and goof around until it kicks in, then get back to work.  As long as everything eventually returns to normal, I don’t worry about it too much.  Granted, sometimes I waste a lot of time trying to figure out why I’m feeling the way I do, but that could just be another form of procrastination for me.

tenor (4)

Occasionally, there are days when the pain is higher than normal and doesn’t go away even with Aspirin.  If I can figure out why I’m in pain, I try to figure out how to stop it, which can be a trial and error bit that lasts a couple of days (like with my seat).  I know I’ll never be able to focus on those days.  When I have pain like that, I usually move around a lot and have to sit in positions that make working at the computer impossible.  Not to mention, pain makes it really hard to focus.  My mind gets all jittery.  Those are the days that I say screw writing and everything else I need to do.  And that’s okay.  We all deserve a little time off when we’re in pain.

Go-Ahead-Take-a-Break-FB-MEME
Stare blankly at the wall until the pain goes away.

So, if you’re not already aware of what kind of pain is normal for you, try to learn.  It makes the decision to push through or take a break much easier.  What do you do when you’re hurting?  Do you pop a couple of pills and wait for them to kick in?  Do you do yoga or tai chi or some other exercise in the hopes of working the pain out?  Perhaps you meditate.  Whatever your method of dealing with aches and unusual pains, feel free to share your tips and tricks here or on my social media pages!